Lawsuit Demands Governor Cease Using Offensive "Bullock"

Helena, Mont. - The Montana Supreme Court may take up a case filed by plaintiffs asking the court to prohibit the Governor of Montana from using the personal identifier of "Bullock" because that use is offensive to Montana cows.  The suit was filed recently by Cows' Lives Matter (CLM), a group claiming to be sympathetic to Montana bovines.

The Humane Society of the United States says, "Cows bond closely with their herd and create close friendships. They can anticipate the future and experience pain, fear and anxiety."

Spokesperson for CLM, Clara Cowper commented, "It is highly offensive to cows that the Governor of Montana would identify himself as 'Bullock.'  We demand he cease this offensive conduct immediately."  When asked what identifier he could properly use, Cowper responded, "Well, it certainly should not be 'gelding.'  That would offend horses."

"Besides," Cowper added, "using 'Bullock' is a cultural appropriation.  The Governor is trying to benefit from Montana's romantic western history and mystique by claiming a relationship with cows.  That's cultural appropriation at its worst."

The Governor declined comment, but his attorney, Ralph Wolfe, dismissed concern over the effort.  "Plaintiffs have made a classic legal error," he said, "because a 'bullock' is not a cow.  It is a steer.  Montana steers are shipped to Iowa for fattening shortly after they are castrated, so they are no longer residents of Montana.  Therefore, cows simply have no legal standing to bring this action."

"Besides," Wolfe continued, "party leaders have already talked with our friends on the Supreme Court.  It's already arranged that this case will be dismissed immediately."  It is well known that a majority of the justices on the Supreme Court have an affinity for sheep and goats and are therefore hostile to cows, echoing a longstanding Montana conflict.

In turnabout, Wolfe threatened a separate lawsuit against the leaders of CLM on behalf of the Governor to punish CLM for having brought a frivolous suit.

Rancher Stanley Straight, president of CLM, responded to this threat of a counter lawsuit.  "If the Governor wishes to challenge us, fine.  But, it is traditional in dueling that the offended and challenging party does not get to pick the weapons or place for the duel.  Whoever is challenged has that choice and we do not choose words and paper as weapons in a Governor-captive courtroom.  Rather," Straight continued, "we choose fresh cow flops at ten feet at the county rodeo arena.  The Governor seems adept at slinging cow flops in public so he should be comfortable with that venue and weapon."

The Governor's party is concerned that the controversy might cost the Governor critical votes in his upcoming election to be chosen as Emperor of the Known Universe.  The Governor's only comment was, "I love everyone equally, including cows, my wife, and even snakes."

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