Lawsuit Demands Governor Cease Using Offensive
Helena, Mont. - The Montana Supreme Court may
take up a case filed by plaintiffs asking the court to prohibit
the Governor of Montana from using the personal identifier of
"Bullock" because that use is offensive to Montana cows. The
suit was filed recently by Cows' Lives Matter (CLM), a group
claiming to be sympathetic to Montana bovines.
The Humane Society of the United States says, "Cows bond closely
with their herd and create close friendships. They can anticipate
the future and experience pain, fear and anxiety."
Spokesperson for CLM, Clara Cowper commented, "It is highly
offensive to cows that the Governor of Montana would identify
himself as 'Bullock.' We demand he cease this offensive
conduct immediately." When asked what identifier he could
properly use, Cowper responded, "Well, it certainly should not be
'gelding.' That would offend horses."
"Besides," Cowper added, "using 'Bullock' is a cultural
appropriation. The Governor is trying to benefit from
Montana's romantic western history and mystique by claiming a
relationship with cows. That's cultural appropriation at its
The Governor declined comment, but his attorney, Ralph Wolfe,
dismissed concern over the effort. "Plaintiffs have made a
classic legal error," he said, "because a 'bullock' is not a
cow. It is a steer. Montana steers are shipped to Iowa
for fattening shortly after they are castrated, so they are no
longer residents of Montana. Therefore, cows simply have no
legal standing to bring this action."
"Besides," Wolfe continued, "party leaders have already talked
with our friends on the Supreme Court. It's already arranged
that this case will be dismissed immediately." It is well
known that a majority of the justices on the Supreme Court have an
affinity for sheep and goats and are therefore hostile to cows,
echoing a longstanding Montana conflict.
In turnabout, Wolfe threatened a separate lawsuit against the
leaders of CLM on behalf of the Governor to punish CLM for having
brought a frivolous suit.
Rancher Stanley Straight, president of CLM, responded to this
threat of a counter lawsuit. "If the Governor wishes to
challenge us, fine. But, it is traditional in dueling that
the offended and challenging party does not get to pick the
weapons or place for the duel. Whoever is challenged has
that choice and we do not choose words and paper as weapons in a
Governor-captive courtroom. Rather," Straight continued, "we
choose fresh cow flops at ten feet at the county rodeo
arena. The Governor seems adept at slinging cow flops in
public so he should be comfortable with that venue and weapon."
The Governor's party is concerned that the controversy might cost
the Governor critical votes in his upcoming election to be chosen
as Emperor of the Known Universe. The Governor's only
comment was, "I love everyone equally, including cows, my wife,
and even snakes."
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