Board of Regents to Sequester Available Air
(May 27, 2021)

HELENA, Mont. - In a studied and thoughtful move today, the Montana Board of Regents has asked the United Nations and the Pope for a ruling that would prohibit people outside of college campus from breathing air that should be reserved for the academic institutions.  Regents reason that academics are the highest form of life on Earth, and air should be reserved for those people essential to the universities, the universe, and mankind.

Board Chairwoman Sally Bufflutter commented, "Only the UN or the Pope will be capable of grasping the sublime importance of protecting the smartest and best people on Earth from possible air starvation.  It's unfortunate if other, lesser people will be denied air.  It's obvious there must be prioritization and the smartest people on Earth must be protected.  Our studies prove this.  Trust us.  It's simply beyond question or debate.  The future of mankind depends on it"

The Board has carefully orchestrated a process of university stakeholders and ad hoc campus groups to conduct meetings and listening sessions and to develop rules and policy for what is being called "Sequestration of Essential Gasses for Academic Faculty Survival" or "SEGAFS."  When asked why the non-campus general public has been excluded from this process, a SEGAFS spokesperson of undisclosed gender said, "We included everyone who matters."

If the requested support from the UN and Pope happens, SEGAFS plans to forward the problem to an academic scientific panel for development and implementation.  It will be the task of this panel to figure out how to compress all available air onto university campuses.  When asked how this could be possible given the laws of physics, the SEGAFS spokesperson responded, "We're not interested in any more talk about laws.  It is laws that are used to oppress or silence the academic community.  We won't tolerate any more talk of laws."

The Regents have been successful in other quests, such as their drive to prohibit teaching of anything at all by non-union faculty or away from campus.  Critics of this program complain of a new generation of youth now entering high school who have never been potty trained.  Although this may cause some hygiene problems, the Regents have appointed a university study group to explore campus-oriented solutions to the problem.  One study group recommendation is that all citizens simply report to a local campus periodically for toilet training under wise academic supervision.

When asked about denial of air to the rain forests and to crop-growing areas of the World, one Regent responded that absolutely nothing is more important than protecting the peak intelligence of mankind, which is obviously concentrated in academia.

Chairwoman Bufflutter concluded, "We seek to make the World a better place and to help mankind.  Because our motives are pure, we will tolerate no obstruction of our plans whatsoever.  This is science, beyond the understanding of lesser minds, and not subject to question.  We know we're right and we will do whatever it takes to make that stick."

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Information, contact:  Sally Bufflutter, 406-449-9124