NEWS RELEASE
Board of Regents to Sequester
Available Air
(May 27, 2021)
HELENA, Mont. - In a studied and thoughtful move today, the
Montana Board of Regents has asked the United Nations and the Pope
for a ruling that would prohibit people outside of college campus
from breathing air that should be reserved for the academic
institutions. Regents reason that academics are the highest
form of life on Earth, and air should be reserved for those people
essential to the universities, the universe, and mankind.
Board Chairwoman Sally Bufflutter commented, "Only the UN or the
Pope will be capable of grasping the sublime importance of
protecting the smartest and best people on Earth from possible air
starvation. It's unfortunate if other, lesser people will be
denied air. It's obvious there must be prioritization and
the smartest people on Earth must be protected. Our studies
prove this. Trust us. It's simply beyond question or
debate. The future of mankind depends on it"
The Board has carefully orchestrated a process of university
stakeholders and ad hoc campus groups to conduct meetings and
listening sessions and to develop rules and policy for what is
being called "Sequestration of Essential Gasses for Academic
Faculty Survival" or "SEGAFS." When asked why the non-campus
general public has been excluded from this process, a SEGAFS
spokesperson of undisclosed gender said, "We included everyone who
matters."
If the requested support from the UN and Pope happens, SEGAFS
plans to forward the problem to an academic scientific panel for
development and implementation. It will be the task of this
panel to figure out how to compress all available air onto
university campuses. When asked how this could be possible
given the laws of physics, the SEGAFS spokesperson responded,
"We're not interested in any more talk about laws. It is
laws that are used to oppress or silence the academic
community. We won't tolerate any more talk of laws."
The Regents have been successful in other quests, such as their
drive to prohibit teaching of anything at all by non-union faculty
or away from campus. Critics of this program complain of a
new generation of youth now entering high school who have never
been potty trained. Although this may cause some hygiene
problems, the Regents have appointed a university study group to
explore campus-oriented solutions to the problem. One study
group recommendation is that all citizens simply report to a local
campus periodically for toilet training under wise academic
supervision.
When asked about denial of air to the rain forests and to
crop-growing areas of the World, one Regent responded that
absolutely nothing is more important than protecting the peak
intelligence of mankind, which is obviously concentrated in
academia.
Chairwoman Bufflutter concluded, "We seek to make the World a
better place and to help mankind. Because our motives are
pure, we will tolerate no obstruction of our plans
whatsoever. This is science, beyond the understanding of
lesser minds, and not subject to question. We know we're
right and we will do whatever it takes to make that stick."
- End -
Information, contact: Sally Bufflutter, 406-449-9124