Montana University System Attacks Campus Rape
"Cookies for Rape" Program
(May 27, 2021)

MISSOULA, Mont. - Officials at the University of Montana announced an aggressive new program to address the ongoing problem of campus rape.

A campus spokesperson declared, "We sincerely want to help the campus victims of rape.  But first we want to assure everyone that university campuses are crime free zones.  No crime is allowed here - we have rules against it - so everyone should feel perfectly safe."

U of M officials announced that they would make free cookies available to all rape victims.  "Cookies always make people feel so much better.  Feeling better will allow rape victims to return to normal much sooner than they would if we didn't offer such effective intervention."

Since being featured as the lead example in Time Magazine's article, The Sexual Assault Crisis on American Campuses, campus officials have continued to escalate their proactive efforts to address this ongoing problem.  Making free cookies available to rape victims is only the latest measure campus officials have tried.  Providing chastity belts with triple locks was seen as a powerful solution, but many students quit wearing them once they learned how difficult these devices were to operate.  Under the chastity belt program, professors found it necessary to schedule 30-minute bathroom breaks between classes.  This made scheduling classes difficult and hampered the learning environment.

Building a 20-foot wall across campus to segregate male and female students was considered, but ultimately rejected as too divisive.  Plus, it would consume funds needed to pay the salaries of tenured professors, a definite stopper for that plan.

The latest campus rape happened the same week that the Board of Regents filed a lawsuit in the Montana Supreme Court attempting to block a new law that would allow qualified students to carry firearms for personal protection.  Assuring the public that university campus remain totally safe, a BoR spokesman said, "We'd rather go with cookies than guns.  We'd rather have an occasional rape than the widespread bloodshed we just know will happen if firearms are allowed on campus."

Critics pointed out that when availability of concealed weapon permits was proposed 30 years ago, officials predicted that there would be "rivers of blood flowing in the streets."  Campus officials adamantly maintain that although this prediction didn't happen off-campus for the last 30 years, it would surely happen on campus now if campus firearms are allowed.

"Cookies are the solution," the campus official assured.  "They will minimize the problem by helping victims get over the trauma of rape.  We might even offer cookies to students who only fear they might be raped, to help them get over that fear.  That will help them get back into the stream of campus activities where they could really earn their cookies."