Montana University System Attacks
"Cookies for Rape" Program
(May 27, 2021)
MISSOULA, Mont. - Officials at the University of Montana announced
an aggressive new program to address the ongoing problem of campus
A campus spokesperson declared, "We sincerely want to help the
campus victims of rape. But first we want to assure everyone
that university campuses are crime free zones. No crime is
allowed here - we have rules against it - so everyone should feel
U of M officials announced that they would make free cookies
available to all rape victims. "Cookies always make people
feel so much better. Feeling better will allow rape victims
to return to normal much sooner than they would if we didn't offer
such effective intervention."
Since being featured as the lead example in Time Magazine's
Sexual Assault Crisis on American Campuses, campus officials
have continued to escalate their proactive efforts to address this
ongoing problem. Making free cookies available to rape
victims is only the latest measure campus officials have
tried. Providing chastity belts with triple locks was seen
as a powerful solution, but many students quit wearing them once
they learned how difficult these devices were to operate.
Under the chastity belt program, professors found it necessary to
schedule 30-minute bathroom breaks between classes. This
made scheduling classes difficult and hampered the learning
Building a 20-foot wall across campus to segregate male and female
students was considered, but ultimately rejected as too
divisive. Plus, it would consume funds needed to pay the
salaries of tenured professors, a definite stopper for that plan.
The latest campus rape happened the same week that the Board of
Regents filed a lawsuit in the Montana Supreme Court attempting to
block a new law that would allow qualified students to carry
firearms for personal protection. Assuring the public that
university campus remain totally safe, a BoR spokesman said, "We'd
rather go with cookies than guns. We'd rather have an
occasional rape than the widespread bloodshed we just know will
happen if firearms are allowed on campus."
Critics pointed out that when availability of concealed weapon
permits was proposed 30 years ago, officials predicted that there
would be "rivers of blood flowing in the streets." Campus
officials adamantly maintain that although this prediction didn't
happen off-campus for the last 30 years, it would surely happen on
campus now if campus firearms are allowed.
"Cookies are the solution," the campus official assured.
"They will minimize the problem by helping victims get over the
trauma of rape. We might even offer cookies to students who
only fear they might be raped, to help them get over that
fear. That will help them get back into the stream of campus
activities where they could really earn their cookies."