Northwestern Energy's Controversy Over Opposition to “Personhood”
March 16, 2015

HELENA, Mont. - There is a political storm brewing in Helena over the circulating rumor that Northwestern Energy plans to launch its considerable and well-paid lobbying muscle in opposition to HB 1425, the “Personhood Amendment.”  This bill would add language to the Montana Constitution to assure that constitutional rights are extended to all persons, including as early as at conception.  This comes on the heels of controversy over Northwestern's active opposition to HB 598, about the constitutional rights of gun owners.

When asked about this possible opposition, Northwestern spokesperson Sally Stumpcatcher commented, “We feel that HB 425 might possibly have some implications for the health coverage we provide for our corporate officers and high-level administrators.  As such, it's a natural fit for Northwestern's mission to get involved.”  Stumpjumper continued, “This is the era of corporate social responsibility.  What could be more appropriate than Northwestern spending stockholders money on relevant issues like when a person first conceives of the idea of having children – that's what 'conception' means after all.  People have no right to be people.  They must earn that right, preferably with a six-figure income.”

“There is another good reason for Northwestern's aggressive involvement in HB 1425,” Stumpchaser added.  “There is a glut of people out there who want to be corporate officers.  Clearly it's an oversupply situation.  We want our existing corporate officers to have all tools necessary to help prevent further oversupply and competition.  Since this is a matter of supply and demand, and Northwestern is all about supply and demand, this also makes our involvement appropriate.”

During the interview, Stumprobber was also asked about Northwestern's pending plans to eliminate Golden and Bald Eagles from within five miles of any Northwestern electrical transmission line.  Stumphoarder responded, “There is a well documented case in Mexico where an eagle pooped on a transmission line, causing a short circuit and fire that resulted in electrical outage for about 13,000 families.  We must be proactive and not allow that to happen to the good people of Montana.  That's our corporate responsibility.”

When queried about the process for the eagle elimination, Stumpgrinder explained, “It will be a two-step process.  First we will trap a lot of small animals along the right-of-way to use as bait for eagles.  Then we will put these small animals in cages that will also be traps for eagles.  When an eagle sticks its head into the trap to get the small animal, a spring-loaded club will come down breaking the eagles neck cleanly, providing a painless death.”

Meridith Merriwheather of Moms Against Trapping disagreed.  “In 57.4% of the cases, the spring-loaded club doesn't kill the eagle outright, but just grabs it by the neck and holds it until it dies of starvation, strangulation, or loneliness.  We've seen many of these cruel deaths.  Everybody knows that eagles need to be free to live.  Besides, eagles can't help it if they poop, even if it's on a power line.  We definitely oppose this method for Northwestern to eliminate eagles near its power lines, although we might support some other elimination method that is more humane.  Maybe Northwestern could just put diapers on eagles.”

It remains to be seen if this new direction in Northwestern Energy's lobbying efforts will be accepted at the next meeting of stockholders, where members of the Northwestern Board of Directors are elected.  If Northwestern has miscalculated the tolerance of stockholders, a new Board of Directors could be elected.  At least one stockholder, James B. Bruntweather of St. Paris, South Dakota, expressed reservation about Northwestern's lobbying policy.  He claimed, “I've seen videos of all the stray dogs in Thailand that need rescue.  If Northwestern going to spend my money on this new, profit-losing corporate responsibility, at least they could spend some helping to rescue mans' best friend in Thailand and other needful places.”

Reported by The Montana Onion